I can do this

I have been having trouble actually getting this blog to take an entry. But I made some setting changes and here goes nothing. I don't know what has shifted, but in the last couple of months I have found my confidence. I am holding my own with my kingdom's elite fighters. I am laying stick consistently on the guys I consider the crown contenders. I am feeling less and less like a fraud. I still watch video of myself and cringe at times when i don't execute something as well as I had hoped or thought. But it is not paralyzing anymore. I note it, make a plan to train it better, and set to work. And I am prepared to work. I have drawn up a plan for the next three months, and Sir Mari has agreed to coach me from afar to make sure I am setting and meeting my goals and that I am focused on stuff that will bring gains. This effort will take time and I will probably have to resign myself to the fact that my ability to be creative in the arts will suffer and I will not be as prolific in that arena. And that is okay. I have also come to the conclusion that the goal is not really about winning a particular tournament, but being the best fighter I am capable of, which in turn will facilitate the winning part. In what we do, as Duke Sean says, body count is the quantifier for success, but it should not be the end all be all qualifier of success. Part of my path is embracing that I am a physical fighter. And not being so critical that I am not an elegant gun fighter. I will never be an elegant gun fighter, and I don't need to be an elegant gunfighter to be successful or to be a great fighter. I need to hone and present my best fight -- not someone else's. And that means being mentally confident in what I am presenting. It also means taking all the stuff I have learned from so many of the greats and really turning it into my own style and owning that style. It also means perhaps being a little more selfish with my time. Picking the issues to care about and knowing which ones are a time suck and are not going to help me get to where I want to go and/or are going to distract me from my goals and be willing to drop those. Mentally and emotionally I also need to let go of all concern for my opponents' calibration and blow calling in a fight. My focus needs to be entirely on my execution and I have not executed until my opponent tells me he is satisfied. I have to trust in that even with people I do not trust. Being able to let that go completely and honestly, might be the singularly most important step mentally and emotionally for me toward achieving success. Physically, I need to commit to eating clean and training. Losing body weight is going to help me move better. There is no escaping that. Getting stronger and having longer endurance can only enhance my physicality in the fight. Practicing my technique daily will be imperative to achieving good timing and consistent power generation. And I need to travel to fight the best. If my local practices are not offering enough challenge, it is up to me to go find the guys that are going to hand me my ass so that I will be pushed to get better and evolve. This is all achievable while still being a good mom. It is all about making better use of the hours in the day. I can do this.