Tuesday, October 27, 2015
It seems like I cannot escape people telling me how to do things better or finding fault in the way I teach or communicate (I am not talking technique feedback by the way, I wholeheartedly welcome all of that). On the one hand, it is a good thing because it means I am approachable and a certain amount of criticism and feedback is worthwhile as it aids in giving me direction in which to evolve. On the other hand, it can feel overwhelming. Even when I am trying hard to do my best, I am giving of myself to others both in time and information, I am cognizant not just of what is going on in the fight, but how the fight may be perceived; there is still fault, judgment, criticism, and accusation. I am not perfect; I will never be perfect. I do my best. I strive always to encourage, to raise others up and not put them down, to be impeccable in my behavior and judgment on the field, to respect my opponent and the fight in general, to bring honor to my consort and my mentors and on the whole, I feel pretty good about the job I am doing. But then someone tells me their perception and it makes me question everything. It makes me wonder if striving for my goal is worth it; whether my self-assessment is not sound, whether some of this "feedback" is really mental machinations or mind games from people I am competing with. Even going there sucks. I was raised to be honest, to do my best, to encourage and lead by example and not to tear others down to lift myself up. But today I am tired. Today I feel like the standard I am being held to is unfair. Today fighting is not fun.