Monday, April 7, 2014


God, I have been bad about blogging.  I think about fighting all the time, I think about blogging, but often I feel like I do not really have anything of value to say.  So, maybe I should just say it anyway.

I have been having a very hard time focusing on fighting for the last five months.  My mom died in November and it wrecked me.  I lost my passion, not just for fighting, but for almost everything.  I kept trying to focus on fighting in an effort not to dwell on my sadness, but I just could not make myself have fun, be present in the fight, or really care.  I am still struggling with finding joy in my life -- my mom's death turned everything sort of colorless and it made me feel very alone.  But through it all, when I do make the effort to fight and train, I can feel the joy nibbling around the edges, and when I can turn off my brain and be in the moment, fighting gives me a much needed escape from everything else.  And I love it.  Still.

But the last several months have taken a toll on my confidence.  I have drifted from my goals.  I am openly questioning my capability.  I do not have faith in myself.

Last Saturday, I had the opportunity to fight byes at Artemisian Crown.  I could not find my focus and I was cold and achy.  I fought pretty horribly, I thought.  But then I got feedback from Sean.  He was blunt.  His critique was accurate.  And his words motivated me to get back on track, to make my fight better and to retrieve my focus.

I will do something every day to get better.  I will train mindfully.  I will reassess my short and long term goals.  I will focus.