Have not chronicled my training or the last couple practices or even the training when Gemini and Mari were up. I have been in a bit of a funk. I watch the video of me fighting and all I can see are the mistakes and the lack of flow and it is just not what I imagine I want to look like. Even when I am successful.
Villius was saying last night that my "controlled aggression," something I have been working very hard on for awhile, was beautiful. That it just was. I cannot see it. I see the indecision and the hesitation and the openings I did not capitalize on and how unhappy I am with the package. I need to think on this some more. I need to figure out what it is I want to see myself doing and then figure out how to train it and make it so.
Part of me also thinks that maybe I am just so focused on how fat I am that I cannot escape that when I am watching the video and that that negativity seeps into all my dissection of what I am doing. How harsh is that? I don't think that about anyone else when I watch them fight, but for myself I am just so mean in that regard. I need to stop that and really focus on making all the right choices to change the weight factor, so i can get past that roadblock. I need to get to a place where I can see the beauty in my own fighting, where I can see the beauty in myself. As lame as that sounds, I really think it might be the major mental obstacle for me right now in getting to the place where I really believe in myself and can maintain and have that calm confidence that I need to be great.