I can do this

I have been having trouble actually getting this blog to take an entry. But I made some setting changes and here goes nothing. I don't know what has shifted, but in the last couple of months I have found my confidence. I am holding my own with my kingdom's elite fighters. I am laying stick consistently on the guys I consider the crown contenders. I am feeling less and less like a fraud. I still watch video of myself and cringe at times when i don't execute something as well as I had hoped or thought. But it is not paralyzing anymore. I note it, make a plan to train it better, and set to work. And I am prepared to work. I have drawn up a plan for the next three months, and Sir Mari has agreed to coach me from afar to make sure I am setting and meeting my goals and that I am focused on stuff that will bring gains. This effort will take time and I will probably have to resign myself to the fact that my ability to be creative in the arts will suffer and I will not be as prolific in that arena. And that is okay. I have also come to the conclusion that the goal is not really about winning a particular tournament, but being the best fighter I am capable of, which in turn will facilitate the winning part. In what we do, as Duke Sean says, body count is the quantifier for success, but it should not be the end all be all qualifier of success. Part of my path is embracing that I am a physical fighter. And not being so critical that I am not an elegant gun fighter. I will never be an elegant gun fighter, and I don't need to be an elegant gunfighter to be successful or to be a great fighter. I need to hone and present my best fight -- not someone else's. And that means being mentally confident in what I am presenting. It also means taking all the stuff I have learned from so many of the greats and really turning it into my own style and owning that style. It also means perhaps being a little more selfish with my time. Picking the issues to care about and knowing which ones are a time suck and are not going to help me get to where I want to go and/or are going to distract me from my goals and be willing to drop those. Mentally and emotionally I also need to let go of all concern for my opponents' calibration and blow calling in a fight. My focus needs to be entirely on my execution and I have not executed until my opponent tells me he is satisfied. I have to trust in that even with people I do not trust. Being able to let that go completely and honestly, might be the singularly most important step mentally and emotionally for me toward achieving success. Physically, I need to commit to eating clean and training. Losing body weight is going to help me move better. There is no escaping that. Getting stronger and having longer endurance can only enhance my physicality in the fight. Practicing my technique daily will be imperative to achieving good timing and consistent power generation. And I need to travel to fight the best. If my local practices are not offering enough challenge, it is up to me to go find the guys that are going to hand me my ass so that I will be pushed to get better and evolve. This is all achievable while still being a good mom. It is all about making better use of the hours in the day. I can do this.

Focus?

God, I have been bad about blogging.  I think about fighting all the time, I think about blogging, but often I feel like I do not really have anything of value to say.  So, maybe I should just say it anyway.

I have been having a very hard time focusing on fighting for the last five months.  My mom died in November and it wrecked me.  I lost my passion, not just for fighting, but for almost everything.  I kept trying to focus on fighting in an effort not to dwell on my sadness, but I just could not make myself have fun, be present in the fight, or really care.  I am still struggling with finding joy in my life -- my mom's death turned everything sort of colorless and it made me feel very alone.  But through it all, when I do make the effort to fight and train, I can feel the joy nibbling around the edges, and when I can turn off my brain and be in the moment, fighting gives me a much needed escape from everything else.  And I love it.  Still.

But the last several months have taken a toll on my confidence.  I have drifted from my goals.  I am openly questioning my capability.  I do not have faith in myself.

Last Saturday, I had the opportunity to fight byes at Artemisian Crown.  I could not find my focus and I was cold and achy.  I fought pretty horribly, I thought.  But then I got feedback from Sean.  He was blunt.  His critique was accurate.  And his words motivated me to get back on track, to make my fight better and to retrieve my focus.

I will do something every day to get better.  I will train mindfully.  I will reassess my short and long term goals.  I will focus.

Belief

So, sport of kings was a little weird for me this year -- we had the kid with us, so I knew i was going to have to balance parenting with fighting, i got my period the first day and felt like crap, it was hugelt humid on friday which enhanced the feeling crappy, both teachers that I had signed up for classes with had to cancel, and honestly I just was not feeling like i fit in.  My fighting was ass on friday, i could not find my feet and my movement was non-existant.  I helped Villius teach sean's recovery class, which was good, but I felt odd.  All my classes I was supposed to take on friday were cancelled, so I could not feed on energy from those either. 

I wanted to monopolize time with Octa, and Sven and Brand, but felt like my fighting was such shit, that I would be wasting their time.  The torchlight tourney was out because I cannot see at night, so I was left feeling very very unfulfilled and lost and like a fighter/poser.

Saturday we woke up and contemplated going home.  For reals.  Still feeling crappy and really a little menstrual induced depression probably.  Went to my class on the mental game and came out of it a bit disappointed really.  Its not that the teacher did not have anything to say, he just did not know how to say it I think, and he certainly did not know how to tell us to go practice what he was trying to tell us was important.  So, that was a bummer.  But then I heard the pickup fighting going on, and it called to me. 

I came to fight, so I put on my armor, did warmup drills with Villius, had an awesome set with Octa and then another awesome set with Sven, and then I felt like a killer and went out and fought a ton of pickups with a bunch of people.  I need to cultivate that fun, free-spirited, killer feeling on my own, I cannot continue to rely on fighting Octa or Sven to bring that out in me.  This will proabbly be my focus in practice for the foreseeabvle future.

Got out of armor before the tourney because I wanted to end having fun and because I promised the kid I would take her into town for dinner and it was already 4 oclock. 

Decided to enter Crown -- Crown this time will be all about finding thje killer mindset and bringing my own energy tot he fight and having fun no matter what.

Wednesday practice

Promised my squire I would meet him at practice last night, so he and I and his good friend Heinrich were the only ones in armor -- sir Paine and sir Villius were there watching and giving critique and filming.  The night for me was about the on-side (or more to the point not setting up or fixating on the offside) and being able to bring intensity when I needed it.  Also, working with Constantine to flesh out some of the stuff he has been working on.

Heinrich is a lefty, which was fortuitous because I have been wanting to practice my thrust more on traditional leftys, so Heinrich got it in the face a couple of times.  Also, good for me to concentrate on attacking the lefty power with the snaps and wraps.  I had some vicious shield control with constantine in one of our fights that I was super proud of as well.  All in all, a good night fighting because i kept on track with what I wanted to work on.

Mentally, the night was weird though.  I felt a little like I did not fit in -- which is dumb, but there you have it.  I don't know if it is a me thing, or a me combined with being the only woman there thing.  Part of it is that Villius likes to talk and sometimes I feel like I cannot get in a word edgewise, even with my own squire.  Guess I will have to talk to him about that. ;)

Finding My Rudder

We took a family vacation last week and went to Yellowstone and Montana and spent two days in Idaho at Uprising, primarily to fight with, and hang out with, Duke Sean and Count Ralf.   Fighting and talking with Sean and Ralf helped put my head into a better place and I no longer feel so rudderless.  Both of them gave me stuff to work on – the drop thrust from high guard, the thrust on the inside line, a new drill from Sean – the 30 second kill drill,  relaxing the snap, flowing better, and getting rid of the lean on the offside leg, and owning that I’m a killer.  But the real value was just how much fun we had fighting with them and hanging out and just being at Uprising.  Even my kid had fun. 

Sean also listened to me whine a bunch about why my head has been in such a weird place, and gave me good advice on how to get out of the “no joy” hole I have been in – so that will be a major focus for the next couple of months.    He said a lot of things that Vik had said to me at Crown during squires tourney – I can only control me; be the killer that I am; don’t worry about other people, continue to emulate in deed those that I find heroic – i.e. Sven, Octa, Attaias, Vik, Sean, etc . . . , and keep working with my teachers, but let myself find my own style and own that.  I need to care less about whether I think my opponent is enjoying the fight – I am supposed to bring the fight that makes my opponent uncomfortable – if I am having fun, my opponent will be too.  I don’t need to not hook just because I know my opponent prefers an elegant fight, or not use my thrusty when I know my opponent does not like the thrust.

I also got a bunch of unsolicited feedback from a bunch of the people I was fighting that my power is really good, so working on that has paid off.  I need to continue to work it so that the power is top notch 100% of the time and not the 75% that it seems to be right now. 

Anyway, the trip was awesome and has given me focus for my training.  76 days until September Crown and I am gonna make each day count.  Be the killer.

Tacoma Practice May 7

The goal was to bring my own energy, not let other people's attitudes affect me and to really concentrate on volta-ing my shots.  I did a pretty good job and really felt like I was able to dictate the fight.  Mentally and emotionally a much better practice for me than sunday.  Still need to work the volta, but that is getting better as well.  All in all, my fighting is not in a bad place right now.  I think we are going to fight this weekend and my focus again will be on bringing my own energy and intensity to the fight. 

Crown is next weekend.  I have made the decision to fight and my focus will be bringing my best fight, bringing my own intensity and energy and just fighting one fight at a time and not worrying about results, but focusing on execution. 

Still here.

Had a super fun fight practice last week at Stromgard.  then went to Wyewood on sunday and not so much.  Dave and I did drills in the backyard last night, me working on making sure I incorporate the volta on my blows.  the plan is to go to BAO tonight -- goal will be to volta my shots and have my own energy and not let anyone's attitude make my practice unfun.

Been feeling like I am allowed to be a good fighter, but when I start winning fights it makes people uncomfortable.  That is not my problem and I need to let that go. 

Crown is in a week and a half and I have been debating whether to fight or not.  I likely am not going to publicly "game" crown for the first time in years.  In many ways I am at a point where I need to put my energy into me and making this fun and beneficial for me instead of always putting the group ahead of me.  That sounds awful when I put it in writing.

Something changed yesterday which makes me more interested in fighting Crown, but we'll see if that comes to fruition or not.